Tips for non-natives visiting Chicago

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live north or south of Roosevelt Rd. Next,

If your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 2 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid
crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin, O'Hare and I-355 to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, and NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on the west or south sides you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

The Congress expressway (Ike) is our daily version of NASCAR.

The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, It's Taste of Chicago.

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Comisky.

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.

If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages,
towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Chicago, there's no place like it!

You might be from Illinois if...

You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois... You become irate at people who do...

You measure distance in minutes...

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines"...

Your school classes were canceled because of the cold...

Your school classes were canceled because of the heat...

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day...

Stores don't have sacks, they have bags...

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."...

You can locate Illinois on the United States map...

Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun...and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice...

 

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say "It was different."... You carry jumper cables in your car...

You drink "pop"...

You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads...

You refer to any interstate highway as "the Tollway"...

You know the names of the intestates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Dan Ryan...

You refer to anything south of I-80 as "Southern Illinois"...

You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake"...

You refer to Chicago as "The City"...

No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago...

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers...

You buy "The Trib"...

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog...

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is...

You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City"...

You understand what "lake-effect" means...

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. (there's that unnecessary
preposition at the end of the sentence!)

You have ridden the "L"...

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, 815...

You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet. (588-2300 E M P I R E!!)